‘Scandal’ Recap – “Wild Card” (S5:E12)

(1) Episode opens with Fitz in the presidential limo literally “getting it on” with that Lillian journalist person. I can’t see her hair yet, I REALLY hope they got her a better wig #FingersCrossed

Just got a glimpse of her hair, ugh, nope. Wardrobe!

ANYway, Abby lights into Fitz about Presidents who date and protocols and whatnot: “Wild Carding” – the code for when a President has a female friend that is not regular is called a “wild card.” Extra secret service is needed, extra drivers, routes, ambulances stocked and ready, etc. Quite an ordeal apparently. Fitz is like I ain’t new to this, “we didn’t have to do this with Liv.” HA! Abby is like you just ain’t know about it (beat) sir.”

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I fell OUT when Abby said “hey no judgement” like look dude I don’t care if you get some a*s but there’s rules to this playa. Help him Abby, help him!

Fitz: “So I need to put in a request to get laid?” I mean, well kinda. Why is he pushing back so hard? Why is he acting like he IS new to this?? Fitz exhausts me.

(2) Former VP Sally is on her show talking about election season and she can smell the sh*t in the air. Is she talking about OUR election season? Like in real life??? Unfortunately “sh*t” is a gross understatement #Sigh

(3) Good. Grief! Liz is just casually sitting with Papa Pope on a bench. She gave him a copy of Mellie’s book. WTF? So y’all picked back up this alleged chummy father/daughter relationship again huh? Weren’t you JUST looking at him in horror (again) like two episodes ago?? Like didn’t he AND Jake kill someone so Jake could become the head of the NSA. Like all of that JUST happened. My head hurts.

Y’all know PP is ALWAYS talking about power. He congratulates Liz on staying in the power game through her association with Mellie. THEN he starts talking to her about Jake, basically called him weak. Tells her Jake is SEEING someone. PP is messy as hell.

PP does know that Jake and Liv are sleeping together right?? Why else would he tell her that?? Someone is being set up, I’m just not entirely clear who it is yet. My head hurts more now.

PP is messy and gross: “I just want what’s best for both of my kids.” I can’t.

(4) VP Susan announces her Presidential Run. Look, I like VP Susan, I really do but imma need her to get just a little less naive about life in general. So earnest, so forthright, so Bambi surrounded by wolves.

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(5) Speaking of wolves, on cue we cut to David in bed with Liz. Susan calls and Liz instructs him to answer it. This is aggravating to watch. Susan invites him to “dinner” and he tells Liz she invited him to see a movie. Why lie to Liz since she set this whole thing up??! Anyway, Liz is pleased and instructs him to turn over. I don’t want to think any more about what that means but Amber Rose’s tweet about Kanye just popped into my head…

(6) Jake is leaving Liv’s place and runs into Huck. They have a ‘yeah I hate you too’ exchange. Jake: “You’re one creepy bastard, you know that?” / Huck: “Yes.”

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I don’t like when Liv uses that tone with Huck, that impatient, slightly aggrieved tone you use with an ex who randomly shows up at your door: “What are you doing here?” That man has your back Liv! And yep, he proceeds to try and talk some sense into her about her father and Jake. TELL HER HUCK! But seriously is Liv sticking to this thoroughly insane assertion that Jake and Pops really are NOT up to anything because she’s trying to protect Huck?? Both Huck and I are hella confused. Huck basically ends the convo with ‘when you wake up holla at me cause I can’t with you right now.’ Me neither Huck, ME NEITHER!

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(7) Francisco Vargas, Cyrus’ soon to be new protégé, well let’s say new “project”, is a Saint! Perfect back ground and no dirt, like not none, nary. He’s pro everything, has a 95% approval rating with liberals and 51% with conservatives. He even hunts, with a crossbow people, A CROSSBOW! AND he has a lovely smile, can he run in our election???? PLEASE???

Cyrus then asks Ethan to tell him the dirt. Illegitimate son, mistress, shady deal, coke habit, etc – gotta be something right? Ethan is like sorry my dark Overlord but there simply ain’t nuthin else to tell, dude is clean. Only issue with him is nobody knows his name.

Wait, Tom is there? Coming out of the shower, wearing only a towel? Ummm is Cyrus hitting that? Not that I would be upset about it, I mean this show IS off the chain, I just thought Tom was infatuated with Liv. Y’all remember that Helen of Troy speech right? Anyway, whatever the hell is going on these two working together is not a good sign.

Cyrus is ALWAYS talking about the history books. He is determined to be THAT dude. E’rybody is constantly scheming #AllDayAllDay

(8) Quinn and Charlie had plans to be normal and take a weekend trip together but Charlie has to babysit his friend’s kid. I know, I know, that ish sounded weird af to me as well. Especially when he elaborated about his word is bond: “Hey if I say I’m going to kill someone I kill them, if I say I’m going to watch someone’s kid, I watch that kid.” He needs better analogies.

(9) Okay, this Jake and Liv “thing” is a mess. They are lying on Liv’s floor, post coitus (terrible word I know) and Liv confronts Jake about whomever he’s dating. Liv point blank ask who is she? Jake is like (a) I can’t believe Papa Pope told you (really Jake?) and (b) he seems a bit surprised or exapaserated the Liv seems to care. I can’t tell which and also this entire exchange is making me slightly nauseous.

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Jake: “She’s special. You would like her.” Me: REALLY JAKE? WOULD I??? And THEN this mofo reassures Liv that he’s being safe re STDs? Me again: Real talk, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Jake: “We’re being safe, you’re safe.” Me: No really GTFO! I don’t care if my response seems irrational. He needs TO GO! Liv needs me as a friend.

(10) Abby stay trying to do her job. Poor thing, she is COMMITTED to getting a copulating protocol in place and Fitz continues to be an a*s about it. Ain’t nothing new here.

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(11) Tom is sooooooo CREEPY! Like the CREEPIEST!! I don’t know what twisted plan Cyrus has in place but apparently it involves a white supremacist who has a kid that Tom is threatening to kill. Geez-US! Yep, Cyrus is wearing his plotting face, that spells TROUBLE!!

(12) Charlie and Quinn are at miniature golf with a real kid. Everyone seems to be enjoying themsleves. Is Quinn gonna try and have a baby assassin? I have NO IDEA what is going on in this episode!

(13) There are so many associations on this show that are problematic, messy and/or just gross. Most are all three, Liz and David are definitely the trifecta #Shudders

David kills me going back and forth with having a conscience. I almost can’t wait for Susan to find out and make him feel like total sh*t with her puppy dog eyes and “aww shucks” perspective of the world. I said “almost” because it’s gonna crush her and I don’t really want to see that. Sigh. And yet, perhaps she will turn out to be the most ruthless of them all. Doubt it but an interesting thought nevertheless.

(14) Aaaaaannnnd Papa Pope and Liv are having dinner again. I don’t like this. None of this. All of this is sinister. PP talking about he’s good right now. He has his “son” heading up the NSA and his brilliant daughter running the possible next President’s campaign he can just sit back and enjoy his retirement. LIAR!

Umm is Liv about to get herself killed believing the BS coming out of this man’s mouth?? Wait, YAAAASSSSS with the Papa Pope flashbacks!! Especially that “hell and high water” speech! One of my FAVS! Sorry I had a moment, back to the current state of affairs. I don’t know what’s going on but I need Liv to not be naive. Huck needs to have another convo with her. STAT!

(15) Tom kills two security guards and then hands the gun to that white supremacist dude, Wayne?? Ooh Cyrus is setting up a scenario to make sure Francisco Vargas gets some national press. Ugh. And sure enough, right in the middle of the news story about Mellie’s book here comes a breaking news story about the Governor of Pennsylvania being held hostage #Diabolical

(16) Abby barges in on the President – again. And again in the middle of foreplay with Lillian. She has on a different wig. I don’t like this one either. Lillian gets up to leave with a flippant ‘I can show myself out, I know my way around.’ This is ridiculous. Has this heffa been properly vetted?? Abby and Fitz yell at each other. Then Fitz brings up Liv. I was waiting for that. Abby admits that yep she’s angry that it’s not Liv primarily because Liv is a BOSS and Liv is family and Liv made sense. Abby then says “Who the hell is Lillian?” Exactly!! What she really wanted to say was “Who the f*ck is THIS b*tch??” Fitz threatens to fire her. Pretty sure Abby gives zero fux at this point.

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(17) Oh damn, Wayne is that kid’s father. The kid Charlie and Quinn are babysitting. I didn’t want that to be the case but #Scandal. So Charlie legit knows Wayne? How?? Is Wayne former B613??? Or just a run of the mill assassin??? This is A MESS! And only Shonda would think to have “Let It Go” playing in the background of all this crazy. Comedy.

(18) Liv and Jake are post sex again. I CAN’T!!! They talk about Papa Pope. No Liv, your father has NOT changed. Jake is hiding something (duh). My one wish for Liv #NewPenis

(19) Abby calls Liv because she’s vexed but she’s not really saying anything. Liv keeps repeating Abby’s name. You know when you say your friend’s name with that undertone, look girl I know something is up, what’s going on?? Liv guesses that it is about Fitz. Abby says she shouldn’t have called and says Liv doesn’t want to know. True and true. Liv is like ‘yep you right I don’t’ and gets off the phone.

(20) Jake is briefing Fitz on the Vargas situation and the plan to take down Wayne. Cyrus promptly calls Tom and tells him we HAVE to get this hero moment or that is your a*s Mr. Creepy postmaaaaaaaaan! #Friday #LookItUp

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(21) Now Liv is yelling at Huck ’cause HER life is hot a*s mess. Huck deduces that Liv was “made” just like the rest of them, that she has a “guy” inside of her and yes by “guy” he means monster. Maaaaan, Liv starts spouting this “my father will always love me and support me” mess. She can’t really be THIS delusional about him. She CAN’T! Then Huck realizes that no Liv doesn’t have a guy inside of her, she has her father. He is her guy and yep he is a MONSTER. “The biggest, hungriest monster there is and that hungry monsters will eat you.” I  am LOVING Huck this episode!!

(22) Cyrus gets his hero moment. But wait, it is damn obvious on the footage that Wayne turns around after the shot is fired AS IF it didn’t come from him (because it didn’t) as if the gunshot came from behind him (WHICH IT DID). How is Cyrus going to clean that one up? Never mind for now, I need more wine.

Also did we REALLY have to go through ALL of that to get the man’s name known? Is Cyrus not aware of the plethora of social media platforms? Youtube?? Yeeesh!

(23) Lillian was photographed rocking bed head leaving the private entrance of the White House. Just sloppy! Talking all that ish about “I know my way around.” I don’t like her. Abby went off again: I hate all of this bullshit but this is my job unless you’re going to fire me and if you are then do it now but you are going to stop threatening me that’s for damn sure. He’s like “call me Fitz.” Ain’t this some sh*t??

(24) Oh for crying out loud! Why did David bring Susan back to HIS place? She said her daughter was out of town right? Has even he changed the sheets since Liz was there??? Just nasty! Also just so we are all clear, Liz is pimping the sh*t out of David – well for now anyway…

(25) Abby spots Cyrus in the hallway. She’s talking about how hard it is to be a “work wife” and Cyrus says “it has a high divorce rate” LMAO!!! Continuing, Abby is sorry to bother him with this since he’s grieving his cousin and all, Cyrus puts on a sad face and says “it’s difficult” – Jeff Perry is MASTERFUL! Do y’all hear me? MASTERFUL!!!

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THEN he casually suggests that Abby set up Fitz for a meet and greet with Vargas IN THE OVAL!!! “Everyone loves a hero.” DI-A-BOL-I-CAL!

(26) Awwwwww Charlie dumps the kid off at a police station, tells him to go inside by himself and say he can’t find his mom.  They cast the best kid EVER in this role. I am in completely in love with him! “Uncle” Charlie is HORRIBLE! Kid is about to become a ward of the state. Wait is Quinn gonna adopt him?? Sorry I’m off to the races. But legit question, how is Charlie not concerned that lil man is going to talk about how he spent the weekend with his Uncle C. Also, so did Charlie set up his friend?? Is he friends with the mother?? I am so confused.

UPDATE: I’m less confused now. I thought Charlie had a prior relationship with the kid because the kid seemed so chill with him BUT a friend pointed out that he was likely told he was going to hang with his Dad’s friend this weekend and that at that age as long as the kid is doing fun stuff it may not have bothered him that he was meeting this guy for the first time. Some of the kids I know in that age range would have NEVER went for that sh*t. They would have been like “who is that? Nah, I’m good.” OR after a few hours would have been like ‘so yeah when are you taking me home’ cue tantrum. #IJS

(27) Huck’s face when Quinn said Charlie is going to make an awesome dad #Priceless! Also I’m putting money on Quinn being the first one to figure this insanity out.

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(28) So I take it Huck finally got through to Liv? She shows up at OPA dressed like Cat Woman (sans the mask) and instructs Huck and Quinn to go full OPA on Jake’s girlfriend, some heffa named Vanessa.

(29) Annnnnnnd Cyrus maneuvered Vargas into an AWESOME PHOTO OP! Also that was the PERFECT opportunity for Vargas to meet Cyrus. Overlord Cyrus is a piece of work and I would STILL take him over Trump.

Coming Up (in two weeks): More sex and more crazy.



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