(1) Episode opens up on a kid playing with toy soliders on the porch of a house. Who is this lil boy? Awwwww it’s Jake. Yaaaay we’re getting Jake’s backstory. Oh. It’s bad. Sounds REAL bad. Did his father just say what I thought he said re his sister??? GEEZUS! Oh hell this is about to be one of THOSE episodes.
(2) Liv has been posted up at Papa Pope’s place since she kilted Andrew. She’s staying in her bedroom which is completely unchanged since she was in high school. I don’t know about y’all but that ish was odd to me. Papa Pope time capsuling Liv’s room and her going along with it for how long now??? It’s just a little weird. Jake brings her some food, tells her eating is a good thing and that her hair looks crazy – semi-true statement. As a whole she looks crazy (unwashed and worn out), her hair is just free at the moment.
Re this throwback bedroom, there are Paula Abdul, Salt-N-Pepa and Dead Poet’s Society posters on the wall. She has an ancient quilt on her bed and what looks like felt (plastic??) butterflies on the headboard and yes the requisite stuffed animals are chilling on a bench by the window. I mean it’s cute to think of high school Liv but it is also a little weird. #RealTalk
Papa Pope comes in the room and reminds Jake that he has something to do. He also calls Jake “son” which I still find hella unnerving. Jake leaves and PP tells Liv he has some new puzzles. What?? Did she officially revert back to being 12 because she’s been in this room too long?? THEN he kinda semi-casually tells Liv that Jake’s wedding date has been moved up AND he is sure Jake would love for her to be there. W. T. F??? That look on Liv’s face tho… #Priceless
Note: I do love Liv’s natural hair.
(3) Flashback 1: Yep this episode is giving us full background on Jake. How a man formerly known as “Pete Harris” became “Jake Ballard.” How he got jumped into B613. How Rowan snatched his smart but troubled a*s from the brig and asked him “who’s b*tch did he want to be?” Jake tried to come at Rowan but he got put on his face. Hard.
(4) Liv comes downstairs dressed to go on a run, which was a ruse to meet up with Quinn and Huck. Apparently this heffa been pulling a “woe is me, I killed someone” act with her housemates. She is determined to find out why the wedding has been moved up. Quinn properly took a beat and was like “sooo ummm you doing okay?” Liv was basically like “worry ’bout yourself and go do what I said.” Quinn: “Yep, she’s good.”
(5) Jacob Hamilton Ballard and Vanessa Rose Moss are “J.Mo.” Ugh. Their wedding is being deemed as “the most culturally significant wedding since John John and Caroline.” Okay. Rowan is going all out. He has invited 600 people. It’s a damn gala is what it is. Super high profile. Quinn: “Vogue is doing an 18-page spread in the September issue. The September issue! It’s a big deal. Trust me.” That was funny.
(6) Quinn and Huck report back to Liv. She decides to use what she’s got (herself) to get what she wants (intel from Jake). Straight up says she’s about to exploit his weakness – her. Oh God, she has turned into a monster. I don’t like this Liv. I don’t like knowing she’s planning to play the sh*t outta him. Not cool.
(7) Sidebar: She still has a doll house in her room. #MemoryLane
(8) As part of her act, Liv decides to not go to the engagement party at the White House. She staged her bedroom, she’s sitting on her bed in her robe, with her outfit and shoes strewn about the floor. She gets all weepy and says she can’t go back to where she murked Andrew. Of course Jake tries to comfort her. Vanessa comes upstairs and asks wtf is going on? She is PISSED! Although I am confused why she asked why Liv was still there – umm that his HER actual father’s house lady. Oohhhh Jake got loud with her and she checked his ass as she should have. Get him straight blondie! WE are getting married so wtf are YOU doing? Yeah Jake, whatchu doing?? Vanessa storms off leaving Jake to get checked by Rowan: “This is not up for discussion. There’s no slowing down. You made a commitment, now you will follow through.” #CommandHasSpoken
(9) Flashback 2: HA! Look at young-ish Charlie! Hmmm wonder what is Charlie’s real name? Did we already get that info? Moving on, Pete/Jake is an a*s and as we should have already known (thx to Huck) that B613 training was nasty business. Rowan brings up Jake’s horrific family situation again. Yes, Jake’s father was molesting his daughter, Jake’s sister and beating the ish out of his mother. I can’t take this. Jake’s father belongs in the ninth circle of hell. Jake tries to fight Rowan again, and again he gets his a*s BEAT. “Nobody takes command son.” #Repeat
(10) Jake and Fitz are on the balcony chatting about Jack’s wedding and Liv. Fitz: “I thought once I was gone you would be the guy.” Jake is like apparently not. Fitz asked Jake if he loved her. Jake was like “who?” Fitz: “So ummm yeah I was asking about Vanessa.” Come on Jake, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
(11) Sidebar: Fitz “dating” also still sounds weird af.
(12) Flashback 3: These “fight” scenes with Jake & Rowan (and Charlie), all this blood – dis tew much. I put “fight” in quotes because Jake just keeps getting his a*s handed to him so it’s not so much a “fight” as it is an ass-whupping. Charlie recommends throwing him in the hole. Charlie also randomly mentions some damn Maltese that he ended up shooting because it wouldn’t obey. Word Charlie?? Rowan is one sadistic mofo. He gently touched Jake’s face, told him “Good boy” and then put him in the hole for a month.
(13) Observation: Soooooo clearly this is another tense a*s episode. Sigh. Not today Shonda, not today!! It’s already been TOO MUCH!! RIP Prince! This show has been dark AF! Red wine ain’t gon’ cut it. I need ALL the dark liquor! A good strong bourbon, maybe a cigar for my nerves. Something! Sorry I had a moment, continuing…
(14) Jake comes home to find Liv sitting on the living room floor “drunk” – her entire routine drove me absolutely crazy. Liv: “Maybe I’m a crazy person.” She said it twice and I agreed both times. Her act consisted of her saying “I can’t stand to watch you suffer, he’s making you do this, you don’t really want Blondie,” etc. I kept wondering if he was buying this BS and apparently he was until she came clean. Also I initially felt like kindred spirits because she was also drinking some brown stuff but since she was pretending NEVER MIND!
She gets the intel she wants. The plan is to put Jake on Edison’s ticket as VP. Jakes says Papa Pope wants what’s best for “us” – Liv’s face and my face – same thing reaction. #InsaneTalk
Then Jake’s speech. I was DONE!
“I’m not in love with Vanessa. You know that. You’ve… felt that. The truth of the matter is that I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you. You have never chosen me. We’ve done horrible things to one another. But for some reason, I still end up here. In front of you. Looking at you. Wanting you. In love with you.” #FullSwoon!
Seriously my heart melted. I LOVE JAKE! Scott Foley SERVED that!! JAKE!!! I LOVE YOU JAKE!!!! We can mourn Prince together!!! JAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
Liv yells at him “you can’t marry her” and goes back to her bedroom to be frustrated. And then because Shonda is Shonda, Gladys Knight’s “Midnight Train to Georgia” starts playing. Damnit Shonda! Liv gets back up and runs into the hallway, of course Jake is outside her room. They kiss, y’all know what comes next…
So Papa Pope didn’t hear Jake and Liv getting it in last night?? Oh wait, he was out. Never mind. But still he be knowing stuff! #Nervous
(15) Morning after, eggs for breakfast. Vanessa has Jake on the Paleo diet. PP lectures both of them about the stupidity of it. I disagree. On it right now. Works wonders. PP leaves, Jake and Liv chat. Jake: “What now? Do you want me to get married?” Liv: “I don’t know how to get you away from my father.” Jake: “Let’s just enjoy this moment.” WHAT THEY GON’ DO NOW???
(16) Sidebar: Did anyone else notice something in Jake’s ear? Does Scott have a hearing aid? Am I tripping? Clearly I don’t care if he does, I’m just being nosy.
(17) Flashback 4: Jake is pulled out of the hole and taken to Rowan’s office. The hole is literally hell on earth – but again Huck already told us that news. Rowan starts fcking with Jake’s head again. Goes IN on his family again. That whole situation was absolutely thoroughly a living nightmare. I can’t repost those lines, if you watched the episode then you know. It was brutal. Rowan attacked him for not doing anything to help his sister. I can’t take this. She committed suicide. Aborted his nephew/brother. I’m gonna throw up. Rowan’s mind game is unparalleled: “I am not him. I will not hurt you. I am not him. I will not hurt you. I will protect you.” Say what now?? By beating his a*s every 5 minutes?? “I am here… for you, son. Look at me. He is not here. I am. I am your family. I will… take care of you. Let him go.” Rowan pulls him into an embrace. This man is a MONSTER through and through. Jake relents and hugs him back. Damn.
(18) Liv is packing her ish to leave. Jake comes to her room. “I don’t want to marry Vanessa, I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me.” Liv goes to kiss him but is that a real answer from her tho? Can’t trust her wily unpredictable a*s at this stage.
(19) Jake, Liv, Quinn, Huck are at OPA plotting how to free Jake. They come up with a plan that I am severely concerned is NOT gonna work. Leave Vanessa at the altar. This idea is to clean. I need a longer strategy session. More logistics. A contingency plan. What to do if/when Papa Pope finds out. Also, I thought Jake actually did want to be in the Oval. I don’t trust NONE of this! Huck is right to question her a*s. She gon’ say: “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.” #FamousLastWords #HUBRIS!
(20) Flashback 5: B613 graduation day. Rowan gives Jake a choice. Freedom and sacrifice or be “normal.” Well for one thing Jake has never known “normal” soooo… Rowan clowns normal – you can go home to your VCR, have wack friends, a wack wife, drink wack beer basically have a wack life. Well I’ll be damned! Jake said “thank you sir” and walked out. So he tried to walk away once before huh? Interesting.
(21) Wedding day has arrived! DAMNIT! I KNEW PAPA POPE KNEW ABOUT THEIR PLOT! Oh COME ON LIV! I you to NOT get all trembling lip on me right now. WOMAN UP! So y’all really didn’t have a back up plan???? You just KILLED A MAN in cold blood and now you’re getting played by your father AGAIN!! This is sad. I’m disappointed. How does she STILL not get that her father is Satan?? Papa Pope threatens to literally slit Jake’s throat if she tells him any of this:
“I will do that because I love him. Because he is the talent in this family. And I would rather he be dead than mediocre. I’ve already lost a daughter. To hell if I will let what happened to you happen to my son.” He ends with so what’ll it be? “A wedding or a funeral? Your choice.”
IT’S TOO MUCH!
(22) Okay so for this next scene I was just angry. Period. I almost couldn’t listen to it. I hated watching it. Liv dumping Jake for the umpteenth time, saying the worst sh*t ever. Telling him he’s weak and pathetic. Called him a sidepiece, a booty call, a yo-yo. Said she still loves Fitz. GIRL BYE! Of course Jake is like what are you talking about? Is Rowan behind this? COME ON JAKE YOU KNOW HE IS! ARRRGGHHHH! So Papa Pope wins again?? SERIOUSLY??? You saved that monster’s life for this BS???
I need a minute…
(23) Okay, Flashback 6: Jake left Rowan’s office and went back to his childhood home. Father is still alive – well he want until Jake put a bullet in him. Surprised he didn’t make him father suffer? Seems like he should have. Heads straight back to Rowan’s office, blood spatters on his navy whites and all. This is all so damn insane. This show is terrible for my nerves. TERRIBLE!
(24) Jake goes back to the altar. Doesn’t look like 600 people re in attendance to me. HMPF! Jake is now married to Vanessa. Wonder how long she’s going to stay alive. Is she gonna get pregnant? IS SHE GOING TO HAVE JAKE’S BABY??? I’m annoyed!!
(25) Flashback 7: Rowan officially welcoming Jake to B613 with a brown liquor drink. We close with a black and white visual of lil boy Jake on the porch. YOU ARE BREAKING MY DAMN HEART SHONDA! I’M ALREADY TOO EMOTIONAL BECAUSE OF PRINCE!! #SOB!!
Coming Up: Liv vs. Abby. I don’t like this partly because right now I don’t care #Pouting