(1) Jake is visiting Vanessa’s father, pouring brown liquor. Brown liquor on this show is serious. Awww Vanessa’s dad said Jake was the son he never thought he wanted. Wait. Oh sh*t. Ummm, is he about to die? Jake! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WOW! Jake: “Flattered that you think of me that way but see I already have a father. And me and that guy need your money so yeah it’s time for you to go.” DAYUM! So this is how you kick off the the season finale huh Shonda? I don’t think I’m ready. Not even at the 5 min mark and I’m already VERY nervous!
(2) Cyrus is in his house cackling while reading an actual newspaper. I saw a picture of Ella on the mantle! Ella sightings are like seeing Mr. Snuffleupagus – rare and magical moments, yes even a picture in a frame. Speaking of the lil Princess, Tom has arrived with intel re Michael and Ella’s whereabouts. They are in VA. She is being well taken care of. Tom: “so what you wanna do?” I half expected Cyrus to say: “walk these dogs and represent Wu” but naaaaah. He needs to think on it for a second.
(3) Former VP Sally is doing a promo for the Republican Convention which is about to go down in Baltimore. She is in her element. Took a dig at Fitz. No love lost there. The main topic on the table is one she participated in back in the day – Vice President selection time #Leggo!
(4) Wait, WHAT?? DAVID AS FRANKIE’S VP?? DAVID? ROSEN?? Turtle Man?? Word Cyrus?? David is responding the same way I am – huh? Cy called him “slow” – yes that elicited a chuckle. Rosen is not an idiot (well not entirely). He wants to know whose pound of flesh the “Dark Lord Master” wants him to procure in return. LMAO!!! Funny because true!
Cyrus: ” ‘I did dabble in darkness for the last decade or so’ but I’m different now.” Don’t trust it David. Evil don’t change! “But then I met Frankie. He’s once in a lifetime.” Ummm is Cyrus in love? Wow. He is committed. Well I’ll be damned. Cyrus is recognizing David’s humanity – even though it is SORELY sullied at this point.
(5) The crew is meeting at OPA to review Mellie’s VP options. Three possibles who possess the 3 M’s: “male, married, military.”
- Gov Alden McKay (Nevada) – pro life, pro guns, pro all things GOP and then the real intel – Dude was giving “scrub and tubs” in a bath house to rich foreigners. NEXT!
- Senator Joe Walton (Texas) – ex navy seal, married his high school sweetheart, believes taxes are too high AND he was part of a scheme selling expired condoms – that is LOW!! He made $475k and never reported it. Two times the shady!!
- Gov Bill Wagner (Missouri) – He just came out the gate with his dirt: “I was a Coke dealer.” I LOVE this guy! Me: “Go on.” He needed the money to pay off loans. Maaaaaan I hear you! I can’t mess with that drug game but I get it, boy do I get it. Smdh.
Liv: “Cocaine aside he’s all good.” Tells the team to clean up his situation so he can be ready to roll by convention time.
(6) Well looky here, Edison came and delivered Jake’s “save me” message. Liv: “Preciate you coming all the way down here, sorry we don’t have any parting gifts, but I’m not your girl.” People kill me rolling into Liv’s office raising their voices and demanding that she fix stuff. D*mn! Can she breathe??
(7) Huck lets Liv know about Vanessa’s father being murked and that she now has half a billion dollars inheritance. Papa Pope is building a war chest. Trouble.
(8) OMG! WTF is Papa Pope doing at Frankie’s headquarters?? That man is a PLAGUE!! Cyrus walks in and Frankie says “Speak of the devil” with no irony whatsoever because he literally has no idea he is in a tiny room with Satan 1 and Satan 2. Papa Pope is there trying to put 30 million on Frankie. Cyrus puts the kibosh on that idea. Starts talking about candidates engaging with Super PACs (technically a no-no but….), campaign finance laws, etc.
(9) Cy to Papa Pope: “You’re not welcome here.” Papa Pope: “If I only went where I was welcome I would never leave the house.” LOL! Again, funny cause TRUE!!
Oh hell. Papa Pope knows Cy orchestrated that whole Harrisburg thing. Papa Pope knows EVERYTHING!! Papa Pope’s demand: Put Jake on Frankie’s ticket. He is hell bent on Jake getting that job. Talk about helicopter parenting – Papa Pope is the Poster Pop for that crew.
(10) Quinn and Huck roll up on “Doug Morton” hereafter known as “Anthony Musser.” It takes “Anthony” a minute to adjust to his new identity. Huck & Quinn were patient. Well patient for them anyway. Quinn tried to make that two bedroom condo in Albuquerque sound exciting. Girl stop. He’s running his own company so he is quite likely well set up right where he is. OPA is ruth-less! But seriously it was just cocaine this witness protection type move seems a bit much. They should have threatened his family or something not pack up your ish and move. He can still talk from Albuqurque. Hmmmm.
(11) Fitz is being amenable to all of Mellie’s demands for his participation in the convention. Abby is being weird and then Fitz mentioned the possibility of ending up in Vermont upon retirement and Abby got even more weird. Sigh. Don’t do anything crazy Abby.
(12) Frankie asked Cyrus his opinion re Jake as VP. Cy completely blacked out and for a minute I thought he was actually talking to Frankie. Called Jake everything but a Child of God: “soul-less, dead eyed monster, murderer, traitor, Moloch, Abaddon, Leviathan, a serpent coiled at the feet of Satan.” BUT that was all in his head. What he really said to Frankie: “I think he would be great.” #LIAR!
(13) Lizzie rolls up on David. Y’all know she already got the intel re his convo with Cyrus. That heffa can smell a political opportunity from Mars. She wants to run his campaign. He wants her to go to hell. She says she’s not the only person who suffered in that three way mess they had going on. Says she cried, real tears, from her own eyes. Sure Liz sure. Alright I do remember that one time. But I’m convinced you are half dead inside so excuse my skepticism. Q. Does she still have a daughter? Y’all remember her daughter?? Never mind. Liz goes to her sure fire method of getting her way. Scary bondage sex. Don’t do it David! You barely survived before!!
(14) Abby calls Liv to tell her Fitz is 100% cooperating. Abby turns to go into her office and WTF Fitz’s a*s is in there snooping! He has Liv’s medical file in his hand. Who rolls into someone’s office and starts rifling through ish on their desk??? Alright alright Abby is a nutter for leaving that file so easily accessible. UGH! Abby tells the truth re how she got the file. All roads lead to Papa Pope. Fitz says it’s a lie and storms out. #PoorFitz
(15) Cy shows up on Liv’s doorstep. Cy: “May I?” Liv: “No”.*Cyrus walks in anyway. Tells her Papa Pope is sniffing around Frankie. Now she’s paying attention. Liv ain’t new to this. She demands to know what Papa Pope has on him or he can bounce. Cy caves and tells Liv about Harrisburg. Liv is of course appalled. BUT Cyrus is a true believer. Called Frankie “Political Jesus” – Cy’s euphemism fir murder “I cleared a path for him.” Cy tells Liv this is her problem as well. Points out that if Jake is on Frankie’s ticket it becomes Papa Pope’s election (again). Funny that Cyrus mentioned it should be the two of them squaring off against each other – “Student vs. Master.” Abby still ain’t quite there yet. Poor thing.
(16) Mellie is livid re Fitz’s planned speech. It’s all about him and she is NOT having it. Again someone has barged into Liv’s office talking about “FIX THIS!” Again Liv is like “naaaaaah” and goes back to staring out the window. Mellie: “Fine! Fck it, I got it!” Good for you Mels!
(17) Marcus tells Mellie not to poke Fitz. Mellie “I was married to him for 25 years, I’m not gonna poke him.” First words out of her mouth: “Your speech is an abomination. ” LOL!
(18) Funny thing is, I thought Fitz’s perspective about his speech sounded good – that is until Mellie lit into his a*s. Called him “arrogant, presumptuous.” Said “it’s ALWAYS about YOU! You stood on MY back to get to where you are, on Liv’s back, on Cy’s back AND on your Daddy’s back.” DAYUM Mellie! “I didn’t have all your money, schools, political legacy and I’m NOT a white man! I am here on my own. I got here on my own. I got here because I managed to escape you.” WOOOO-WEEEEE TELL HIM MELS! TELL! HIM! “You whined and cried and called your job a prison. You are so privileged and entitled! I want this. I earned it. I will not squander it. This stage is mine.” HOT DAMN MELLIE!! CLAIM IT GIRL!! Tell his a*s to get IN FORMATION!! Douse him in Lemonade! YAAAAAAAAASSSSS!!!
(19) Liv corners Jake in a parking garage. All Jake wants to know is if she has a plan. She needs to know that he trusts her. “I will save you. Somehow. But we gotta be together on this, not divided, like for real for real.” Jake took a long time to tell Liv that he believed her. And even then he was like “Fine.” Hmmmm.
(20) Huck: “If you want to save Jake you’re going to have to take him. No back door secretive plan. You can’t steal him. You have to walk in through the front door and take him. Lights on. Like a gangster.” I love Huck.
Liv: “Where would I put him???” Like a he’s a puppy??? This convo is out of control. During my first watch I thought (for a sec) that Huck was telling Liv to kill her father. Whew. Although…
(21) Oh. Hell. Papa Pope don’ deaded Gov Wagner as a possible VP. The media has the cocaine story AND they found his boy “Doug/Anthony” somewhere in Albuquerque.
(22) Mellie is panicking (again) cause what is she gonna do now about a VP?? This time Liv is ready to problem solve and is already on it! #ItsHandled
(23) Liv pays Fitz a visit. Ahhhh Liv’s plan to save Jake AND solve Mellie’s VP issue – Jake will be Mellie’s VP. Well this is interesting. Democratic. Republican. Whatever.
Fitz tells her to sit and chat. He actually seems somewhat jovial. Why do I still care about Olitz??? WHY??? He apologizes to her for not listening enough. What the hell? Who are you right now?? Liv: “I don’t want to get in between you and Mellie.” That was funny. He’s gonna change his speech for the convention. He betta or Mellie gon’ get in that a*s – again!!
Fitz: “I support your choice Liv, not that you needed it.” She knew what he was talking about right?? Yeah she knew. Her reaction, so much emotion.” ARGH MY HEART!!!
(24) Huck and Liv discuss Papa Pope. They both know the saying: “You can’t take Command.” Huck: “That’s true, you have to become command.” See, so now I’m back to thinking she’s about to kill her father. Is that what we’re doing Shonda?? Is that the season finale situation??? I CAN’T!!
(25) Tom: *while casually brushing his teeth “I can go get Ella and muff out your boy, just lemme know.” Cyrus is thinking about how great of a parent Michael is to Ella and how terrible of a parent he is. He just wants to replace Michael. Awwww. Tom says what about me? Oh. Oh no. By way of example, Tom mentions that he took care of a baby on a train once. Ohhh Tom. Cyrus called him “Lennie” from Mice & Men #WOW
Cyrus continues: “Our casual convos about murder without anyone flinching or being judgey is so great. This is the truest, most honest relationship I’ve ever had.” Cy tells him that is worth more than a man who can pack a lunchbox. I mean I want to say “Awwwwwwwww” again but well it just doesn’t feel right.
(26) Jake is at home with his father, yes Papa Pope, watching convention news. Liv rolls in clearly on a mission. “We should talk. I’m here for Jake.” Papa Pope: “I’m not sure what that means. Those words are innocuous enough, but the stance, the tone, I find alarming. Should I be alarmed.” LMAO!! I LOVE HIM!
She delivers her news. In 20 mins everyone will start reporting that Jake will be Mellie’s VP. Papa Pope laughs. Jack: “say what now?” Papa Pope: “This is stupid.” Me: *eating popcorn, sipping wine “this is soooooo good!!” Liv: “I don’t have an angle. Jake is coming with me.” Papa Pope: “‘Member what I had said to you on the day of your brother’s wedding?” Me: “OMG! HE CALLED IT HER BROTHER’S WEDDING!” Papa Pope is OUT OF CONTROL!!!
Liv tells Jake to make a choice. Me or Dad. THIS IS SO CRAZY! It’s like a ass backward custody battle!! Jake makes a choice. OH SHIT! Papa Pope pulls a gun out and aims it at Jake’s temple. NOOOOOO!!! PP: “Advise him to plant his narrow a*s in that chair.” Says actually SHE has HER finger on the trigger not him. I CAN’T WATCH!!! WHAAAAA??!! Liv says go ahead and do it. You so bad, go ahead and kill your son! DO IT!!! She grabbed his hand in solidarity. UMMMM IS JAKE ABOUT TO DIE WHILE HOLDING LIV’S HAND???? SHONDA WHAT IS HAPPENING???? Liv: “He won’t hurt you, you’re his son.” Oooohhhhhh, good point! WOW! Papa Pope blinked! Tells them to get out before he changes his mind. That’s it, 2016 is over. The apocalypse is nigh. E’rybody needs to get right with their Savior ’cause the world is clearly ending.
Why did their escape remind me of two kids who just got yelled at by Dad to go outside and play because he has a headache and they are making too much noise inside?
(27) The Mellie/Jake ticket got announced. Cyrus is happy. Frankie is confused. Cyrus tells Frankie not to worry. He’s got this. What is he talking about? WHO CYRUS?? David???
(28) David tells Liz it’s not going down. Liz: “How the hell did u mess this up?” She’s terrible.
(29) At the Republican convention. Awwww man, Cy is dumping Tom. And right after he gave Tom that stirring speech about murder and truest relationship, etc. Ohhhh poor Tom. He has feelings too Cyrus! Don’t do this to him, he’s not stable!! Whelp. They are over. Tom watches Cyrus walk down the hallway to meet up with Michael and Ella. I would offer to hug you Tom but you scare me.
(30) Jake thanks Liv for standing up to Command. Liv: “Go big or go home right? Okay now finish getting dressed. We don’t want you looking crazy on stage.” WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??? DID HE SAY ‘NO’? Jake: “I’m taking myself off the ticket. BOY what are you talking about? Jake: “I don’t want to be VP. I want to live in this low key house and live a low key life with you.” WTF IS HE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW??? Liv: “Have you lost your mind?” Me: “I KNOW RIGHT???” He’s talking about coaching junior varsity and raising unimpressive children. I can’t…. I don’t…. Did he have a stroke?? Liv ain’t about that life. Jake: “Dare to be normal.” WHO ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? Actually you know what? I get it. I do. Especially now that we know his backstory. I get it. BUT that is NOT Liv’s path and imma need him to know that!
Liv: “Put the tie on.” Right. He is still saying silly stuff. Liv: “I have not gone through what I’ve gone through. Worked twice as hard for half as much only to end up living an unimpressive life. Mediocrity is NOT an option for me! I don’t want that! And neither should you.” Liv I hear you. Jake doesn’t seem to hear you but I do girl, I DO!!
Jake: “So it wasn’t about saving me at all. It was about saving your ticket.” Look here Jake, imma need you drop whatever this is and get your ish together. She got you away from Papa Pope. You may not like how she did it but she did it. You don’t really have to do ish as the VP but show up and look good in a suit. QUIT YOUR B*TCHING!!! #Ingrate
Jake: “I’ve gone from being his bitch to yours.”
Liv: “Put the tie on”
Me: “Right. And don’t do or say anything stupid.”
(31) He makes it onto the stage. Whew! Frankie picked his VP. David was never a real choice. OH WOW! Cyrus is going to be Fitz’s running mate. Minor point, yes it was already “odd” that a former Republican strategist/Chief of Staff is now running a Democrat’s campaign but now that said former Republican strategist/Chief of Staff is now going to be a Democratic VP candidate? Okay. Q. Where is Frankie’s brother?? I know we have’t seen the last of him. He’s somewhere FUMING! Ooooooooh and now that Tom is a scorned lover… Ohhhhhh sh*t! It’s about to be on next season!
(32) Liv is MAD about this Cyrus situation but they both have ish on each other so it’s just about to be a fight.
(33) This sequence of Liv walking down the hall while her father sips red wine and watches the convention news interspersed with flashbacks of Papa Pope’s speeches to her about being “The Best” and “Power” and “Handling It” and “Poisoned Apples Falling From Trees” IS EVERYTHING!!! Papa Pope: “That’s my girl.” I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!! Wait why am I cheering right now??? IS LIV COMMAND?? Is that a good thing??? I don’t know who’s in charge. I really don’t but I do know that I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!
Next Season: It’s on!