“Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” & “Single Ladies” – Terrible Television at its Finest!

I think these shows debuted a week or so ago (or longer but really who cares??) but I just got corralled into watching them because this is what happens when you go visit the friend who records these train wrecks and then insists you watch them with her so you can comment in real time together because really that is the ONLY POINT of watching them – to talk sh*t about them and maybe just maybe make you feel a little bit better about your own life. Or does that just happen for me?

What is interesting is that if you watch Love & Hip Hop Atlanta before you watch Single Ladies then Single Ladies doesn’t seem as bad as it is. It’s like your brain is so fried from the horror you just witnessed watching LHHA that the slightly less cringe worthy Single Ladies is almost a welcome respite – almost.

Immediate first impressions:

1. At least three, maybe four of the women in the show intro look exactly the same. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate a banging weave and well done make up as much as the next diva but if it means I’m going to resemble half of the women in Atlanta then I think I’ll pass and maybe get some locs or something.

2. I have great appreciation for the South for various reasons:  (a) that’s where my peeps are from yo! Shout out to my grandparents!! (b) Southern hospitality is real and I love it. (c) When I was still eating real food I do fondly recall southern cooking being taste-tastic! And (d) I do appreciate the less hectic pace that is life in the South. Life just isn’t as rushed, people move slower and speak slower and that was fine with me UNTIL this debacle debuted. The ferocious mangling of the English language adds a shiny coat of DOUBLE UGH on top of an already ugh-tastic product.

It’s not the perfectly acceptable southern accent natural to the region, it’s the southern accent coming out of mouths that never learned proper English in the first damn place. Lawd lawd LAWD! “Country” is different from “Southern” and people who know what I’m talking about know exactly what I mean. Here we have “southern” AND “country” AND “hood” which produces just plain AWFUL. Seriously I thought my ears were going to start bleeding after last night’s episode.

3. Wtf is up with the editing? I put money on it that these mofos are ‘wilding’ out so much that there is just some stuff they cannot show. Ha! There’s reality for yo a*s.

Moving on…

3. Stevie J should go straight to the top of the worst person of 2012 list. Is he supposed to be a pimp??? How tall is he? Cause I’m catching little man syndrome and it ain’t sexy. He LOOKS like he beats people weaker than him – again a symptom of little man syndrome.

4. Mimi. Sigh. Look if for whatever reason you still feel like you need to roll with this disappointing representative of the human race then yes you definitely need to step up your business game. Although if you ever see a dime off of that dude chick’s music abilities I will be sitting somewhere with raised eyebrows. Like word? For reals?? Somebody bought whatever he she was putting out huh? People stupid yo.

Sidebar:  Mimi looks like Tami from Basketball Wives doesn’t she??

5. Speaking of him her, as already heavily noted on various blogs few people believe Joseline came out the womb as a female. She posted naked pics and mug shots (pause – seriously this is so ridiculous I had to stop and laugh) online just to show y’all “haters” that “she ain’t got sh*t to hide.” OMG this is soooooooooooooo out of control. Sorry I keep veering off course but this entire scenario is so over the top bananas that I can’t keep it together. Whew! Alright alright, I’m back. Whew.

Look I don’t know if she had reconstructive surgery on her face for some reason or if she started taking steroids for some reason or if – you know what, I don’t know why she looks like she used to be a man, I just know that she looks like she used to be a man. Period. Was it part of the plan for her to get pregnant so that we would believe all her original parts were indeed female? That she is really and truly all woman?? LMAO! Oooooo this is stuuuuupid yo!! STUUUUUU-PID!!

Also, did the camera crew REALLY film her peeing on a damn stick?? And did she take that stick to Stevie J? Eww. And then did Stevie J just tell her to get an abortion? And is she contemplating this ish??  And will all of this really be on camera??? How does that saying go? And Jesus said he will lead them out of the darkness? Or is God supposed to lead them? I don’t know I just want someone to lead them somewhere else and quickly.

Sidebar: Honestly I don’t really believe she is pregnant primarily because men don’t have ovaries but for the sake of going along with the current storyline I will suspend my disbelief for now. #tylerperrybad

Oh yeah and umm she does look a little like Rihanna when she rocks that short hairstyle, you know from the side. Don’t act like you didn’t see it also. It’s just when you look at her full on that her masculine features dominate umm everything.

6. Speaking of who are you really and what is your real agenda – is it just me or do you get the lesbian vibe from Ariane (Mimi’s friend)? COME ON you see it don’t you?? Not that I care at all. In fact Ariane might be a good look for Mimi, well you know if Mimi is swinging that way and all. Ariane is pretty, I can understand her when she speaks and she doesn’t seem like a complete nut job but it’s still early so who knows.

7. Karlie – messy as all hell. Not that she shouldn’t have spoken up and clearly she was encouraged to do so (ahem producers) but that whole restaurant/parking lot scene was a tornado of a mess. Bah.

Umm yeah so as much as I strongly detest Stevie J. he was right, Karlie actually does kinda look like a rat. Poor thing.

8. Erica (Lil Scrappy’s baby momma). I like her but sometimes I can’t understand her. And she needs to ditch that full bang look and primarily rock the half bang to the side look, the latter style is waaaay more flattering to her face.

Umm that scene on the park bench with her mother was UBER uncomfortable to watch. Sigh.

9. Momma Dee (Lil Scrappy’s momma). Former pimp and catch phrase enthusiast. Let’s see she is WTF, WHOA and DAMN FO REAL?!? And yeah “in that order.”

10. Lil Scrappy. Confession time, for some inexplicable reason (perhaps my hood roots) I was quietly down with the Scrapster. Yeah yeah sometimes the raw hood ignorance has its appeal and you just can’t turn away. You actually might find yourself nodding a little to the beat. Maybe throwing your heads up in the air and singing out loud “I got money in the bank shawty what you drank?” You’re like “oh he’s full-out ignorant but what a nice smile he has and that beat sure is catchy.”

And the next thing you know you’re down with Lil Scrappy. SIGH. Don’t get it twisted I never wanted to actually meet him but as noted I knew a track or two. Unfortunately at this point all ‘dem tats and that ass backward hood logic is quite effectively minimizing his appeal. Although if he puts Stevie J on his a*s, I might be so inclined to think favorably of him again. Hell if he knocks that waste of DNA out I might buy him a drank.

One of my friends just reminded me of another cut he had out that was a legit club hit. And it is actually quite telling for Stevie J. Specifically, Lil Scrappy raps “You can get crunk in the club, Roll wit your hood, Get stomped in the club, Or you could get buck in the club, Get f*cked up in the club, N__ we don’t give a f*ck, But you don’t want no problem.”

Sorry for the excessive language but I thought I should give Stevie J. a heads up that he may want to take heed and avoid aggravating a man named “Lil Scrappy” and whose mother is a former pimp. #justsaying

 

11. Rasheeda – she’s pretty. I like the fact that she and Kirk have been married for 12 years but that argument was ridiculous on last night’s episode. Then again based upon intel from my married friends (and from exasperated observations of my parents) apparently this is what married people do. Yeah seems like fun…

12. K. Michelle – Good luck ma. Yeah yeah I heard about her throwing Memphitz under the bus by saying he stole her money AND beat her. Damn. So if true and honestly I don’t doubt that it is because that industry can bring out the absolute worst in people then he sounds like another worthless human being to me as well and he and Stevie J can go play in a shark tank together.

SINGLE LADIES

What is there to say except the acting is still absolutely unequivocally HORRENDOUS! The story lines are bullsh*t and the characters are boring. BLAH!

One positive note is that overall I do appreciate the styling. The hair, make-up and clothes are all usually on point although the loud a*s prints Lisa Raye frequently rocks can be a bit much. Thankfully she refrained from wearing one of them in the promo shot.

 

But usually it’s…

Or this

See what I mean?

ANYway, someone please help me if I watch another episode of either of these nightmares. At this point I am only mildly curious so cliff notes will do – thanks.