8 Failsafe Rules For Parenting*

Dear Parent(s):

*I do not have any children but that’s not going to stop me from telling you exactly what you should do and not do with them.

(1) Never let them out of your sight. For any reason. Ever. Nope, not even to go to school. Home school them.

(2) Get rid of your stove (cause fire – duh) and your fridge. They could trap themselves in the freezer or something. I don’t know. I don’t have any kids remember but I do know fridges are dangerous. #DatLaw

(3) Yes you’ll have to order in all your meals and no silverware – EVER! Yes everyone will eat with their hands. Nom nom nom.

(4) KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM AT ALL TIMES! Yes even when they are sleeping. Beds are dangerous. Sorry I forgot to add that to the list. Get rid of all the beds in your home. Because they could fall off – duh!

(5) Shut off your water. Hello DROWNING!!! Keep bottled water in the attic and padlock it with at least four pentagon approved locks. Hmmm okay maybe a retinal scan security system will suffice in this situation.

(6) Only have round furniture made up of whatever material doesn’t hurt when you touch it. No bean bags will not suffice – hello they are full of beans!! CHOKING hazard!! DUH!!

(7) No they may not have playmates nor playdates. Other people’s children are DANGEROUS!! What if those parents don’t follow the rules??? You cannot have them endangering YOUR child’s life because your child glimpsed a gang of “hippie” children playing outside and got curious!

(7.1) Oh yeah curiosity is evil, figure out a way to stamp that out of them quick.

(8) If they get sick put some ice on it. Sorry I don’t know where you are going to get the ice but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

ARE YOU WATCHING THEM RIGHT NOW??? If you are reading this then you can’t be and I’m going to call CPS on you!!!

What’s a matter? Why you cry? Is this too hard?? You thought it was going to be easy? Well then you shouldn’t have had them in the first place. HMPF!


All Knowing Know-It-All

'8 Failsafe Rules For Parenting*' have 4 comments

  1. May 31, 2016 @ 4:57 pm S.

    This describes Nigerian parenting pretty well, lol.


    • May 31, 2016 @ 5:04 pm CM

      LOL!! Can’t believe that in my attempt at full sarcasm there was a kernel of accuracy in there. HA!! 😉


      • May 31, 2016 @ 5:12 pm S.

        Haha! They mean well but yeah…I was literally forbidden from going anywhere near water as a kid. Even now that I’m an adult I still get the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ lecture, LOL. Bubble wrap parenting at its finest. 🙂


        • June 1, 2016 @ 12:09 pm CM

          LOL @ “Bubble wrap parenting” which I still find a little more tolerable than helicopter parenting – that appears to be a whole ‘nother dynamic altogether.


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